A note from the universe to me

Oh, you're tired?

Tired?

Well, the world really couldn't care less.

The world isn't about you and the way you feel; the significance of your existence is infinitesimal.

And you're tired? Hah, what a trifling matter. You're not grieving over a loss, you're not suffering from a terminal illness, you're just tired. That's not enough for you to make a fuss.

So go up and finish your four bio essays and an english essay that's due tomorrow..
It doesn't matter that you have had such a long day
It doesn't matter that you don't feel very well
It doesn't matter.

You don't matter.

Get over yourself.

Goodbye.

WHAT

it's only tuesday, just two days after the much needed one week break for me to rest and to catch-up with the people i love..

it's only tuesday, it's too early for negative thoughts..

it's only tuesday, it's too early to be tired..

but on tuesday, all of my results were released..

and so on tuesday, i feel so flipping defeated because yet again, my efforts are not paid off



this is shit. life is shit. i am so, incredibly, fatigued by juggling my studies with everything else. it's been eight months and i still have not found the "balance" everyone speaks about, all i have managed to gain is just this defeat and discouragement that is continuously accumulating as i go.

i've been trying to tell myself and everyone around me that it is okay, we still have mocks left to bring up our results, to not be so defeated and use this as motivation instead, and whatever other feel-good bull i can come up with to distract myself from negativity.

so now i'm telling myself, i have one more month to mocks. one more month to work even harder(if that's even possible considering that i am in college from 8am to 9pm), one more month to give it all i've got to bring up my internal marks, one more month, one more month.

i know i should isolate myself a little more, but i don't know if it's possible. i'd love to, but i'm not sure if i'm allowed to... and this brings me to the other thing that's been bugging me. throughout the whole of my pathetic and short one-week break, my presence was expected at outings/parties by all of my friends. i am an introvert, people forget that. i am an introvert, people drain my energy even though i enjoy their company.

almost everyone seemed to be just as presumptuous in assuming that my schedule is completely free for them, resulting in me being out every single day of my holiday, fulfilling my obligations. thing is, unlike most youths, i do not or at least try not to loudly announce about my schedule, my plans, about how busy i am on twitter and facebook. (i do so on blogger as an outlet because no one reads blogs anymore.) and thus everyone assumes that i am free and have nothing else to do, and should be spending time with them. hardly anybody will accept it if i go "i can't make it, please go ahead without me". i know my schedule, if there was some way i can slot in the event into my schedule, i will. i might try to postpone some things, postpone the said event itself, whatever, if i can. but i was pretty much jam packed for the whole of my one week break and had no choice but to decline certain events. i do not understand why people take it as such a personal insult when i do so. get over yourself.

if i say i can't make it, i cannot. if i say that i will have to leave early, i do honestly have to do so. with good reason. i just don't bother sharing the reason because sometimes it is personal and i do not see the need to share it with everybody unlike certain people. please, dear friends, i beg you to remember that you DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING and before making any hasty assumptions that i'm being "lazy" or "anti-social" or "uncommitted".

anyway, one month more.. i will try to isolate myself as best as i can although i know that there are still things that are required of me. i will try to carry out my responsibilities, but i do also hope that the people around me will understand that this course is not easy and straightforward, understand that sometimes i need time to myself as well, understand that this is a crucial time for me as i have one more month to my mocks and two more months to my australian exam itself, understand that while it may be easy for you to juggle it isn't for me, understand that we are different types of people, understand that i am struggling..

..struggling so bad..

please, please, please understand..
cause i'm fucking losing it

a n c h o r

I've stopped wanting to sleep as much, because i hate it that i am in such a comfortable, ignorant bliss only to be woken up into all this clamor. Every day i wake up with the bags under my eyes a little heavier, a little darker, and every day i wonder how i am going to get through the day.

But i always do. Because my friends in college are the sweetest and fill my heart with joy and laughter. I love them to bits and pieces; all of them really are lovely.

But the challenge isn't to survive the day, it is to survive what happens AFTER the day. When i am home after college, when the responsibilities and burden and blame and anger and unnecessary bickering overwhelm me once again. 

Always having to be emotionally stable for two extra people is tiring, even more so when they are your emotionally retarded parents. Their bombs are susceptible to exploding anytime, and i must clean up the emotional debris that they caused. 

All the while my own bomb is growing ever so slightly as well. 

wounds and fear

When he slapped me across the face, you looked at me with deep disappointment in your eyes and shouted, "STOP IT, YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

I looked at you in disbelief. You have taught him nothing on how to be a brother. Yet you look at me with disappointment.

You have pampered him and almost always excused him of blame. Yet i am still in the wrong.

My father was present during the whole scene, but was indifferent and merrily watched his television program.

At times like this, i am actually excited to leave for australia. I know i will miss the people whom i truly love, like a few family members and all of my friends. But lately there has been more tears brought to me by the ones whom i have conflicts with than laughter and joy brought to me by the ones whom i love.

I tried to take the recent happening as a lesson to be more appreciative of my family members, but i cannot. I simply cannot.

I always feel that when i talk about my family, i sound like an ungrateful, prepubescent teen with a lot of angst. While it may be true to a certain extent, i hope that all of you will remember that you will not know the full story and what all this shit feels like unless you have actually lived my life. There are so many things that you do not know, so many things that you will not consider, so many things that i have hidden.

I also know that i still have it better than some out there, and i will try to be grateful for that.

hfmph

I honestly admire those who truly believe, and who are able to still utter the same words, still stand firm on their ground despite the circumstances.. But please don't expect me to have just as much hope, to be just as idealistic.

stupid lab report

a m b s a c e

it's been this and that, one after another
and i keep it to myself
some because it is only for me
but some because there is nobody else


all the tests...
and not the educational kind,
what do i do now?


nights over here are better,
lonelier but more peaceful
i'd rather be at home
but i shouldn't


i watched my dad fall for the first time
once,
and again the next day,
and the callous remarks that followed
...i couldn't.


honestly i'm not even tired anymore, i'm just done.