for the abyss of flowers

YOU DESERVE A 

TURTLE HIGH-FIVE

mistakes, and why this is for the public to read when personal things shouldn't be

disclaimer: this is going to be an extremely long post. i promise that i am not whining the whole time.. i just need to clarify a lot of things, which leads me to be horribly long-winded cause i wanna be specific. you are not in any way obligated to read it, but i do need to post it. this is one of those extremely rare moments when ranting about my feelings is actually beneficial(to me).. and the next paragraph explains why and how.

the (petty) issue i am about to address in the next few paragraphs might make it seem like i am being pretentious, lacking of attention, and fishing for compliments. please bear in mind though, that if i were truly those things... this post would be on facebook, not on my blog that only has two readers. i just need an outlet. yes, you can argue that i can actually choose not to publish it, but like i said up there, i need to. i need to publish this post so that everyone can read about my mistake. i need people to know how i disappointed myself, because my ego would not let me make the same mistake twice. see, if you got pregnant, everyone knows that you fornicated, so you'd be humiliated to death that you'd never wanna have sex again until you're married right.. yeah it's the same concept.

before you all think that this is something really serious.. lemme tell you that it's not. at all. to you guys, at least. ALL of you are going to roll your eyes when you find out what this post is gonna be about. so, get your eye muscles ready cause here it comes..................................................

i did not do my best for my O'levels in May. 

hahahhaha i told you guys, right. but seriously.. what i am unhappy about is not that "i don't think i'm gonna get straight A's" or "why am i not smarter so that i can get straight A's". my problem is really just that i did not do my best. i don't need to get an A for an exam, i just need to do my best. if i get a 'C', but it's the best i can do, i'll accept it, and i'll be happy. thing is, i know that i could have done so much better for my May papers.. and that kills me.

when my results come out, i know that this post will make me sound like i was just trying to be humble. like the nerds in class who go "ohh... i really didn't do well for my exams. sigh, 85% is such a bad score." so i'm gonna be honest here - i know i'm gonna get at least an 'A' for Math and Science, probably even an 'A*'. yes, i should be happy with an 'A', and even a 'B' is perfectly decent. however, when it's not my best... i won't even be satisfied with a 92% score. and i know, i did not do my best for English. heck, i didn't even try to get an 'A' for English.. just cause i was too lazy to.

i don't like writing on demand. i write whenever i want to, and i hardly ever let anybody read whatever i wrote. what makes O'levels English so annoying for me is that it's 80% writing. SAT gives you topics like "is having too many choices a good or bad thing" or "has television brought people closer together or further apart". O'levels asks you to write a formal letter to your principal convincing her to build a gym for your school. i cannot. i just cannot.

to score an 'A' for English, you don't even need a fantastic command of the language, just a lot of practice. and i couldn't bring myself to.. until the day before the exam. yup. i just couldn't care less about it until the day prior to the exam cause the panic finally set in. so.. what kind of score i'm gonna get for English, i really don't know. all i know is that it's solely my fault.

the same goes for Science. i should have started studying way earlier, not two weeks before the exam. i managed to study every chapter all the same.. but in the process i drank more than fifteen cups of coffee and had only 4 hours of sleep every night. if i started my revision much earlier, i wouldn't have been stressed at all and would have done better as well.

what i am afraid of the most is disappointing the people closest to me. my favorite teacher is excited to know my results, fetus is always assuring me that he 'knows' i'm gonna do well, and my mom expects me to do well. i really, really want to deliver what they expect from me.. and i think i might not be able to this time.

so.. yeah. i think this is the longest post i've ever written. i know i've repeated some stuff, and i know it's tiresome to read through the whole thing.. but remember, you chose to. so you can't get annoyed at me muahahhaha.

anyway, the results come out some time this week. tomorrow, actually.. but i'm not too sure. if i miraculously get an 'A' for English, i'm just gonna thank the Good Lord so many times that He's gonna want me to be quiet.. but if i get a 'B', i'm gonna try my best to accept it, suck it up, and learn from my mistake.


p/s: if i don't get an 'A' for math and science it means that i have totally underestimated the standard for O'levels or something terribly wrong has happened to my papers. just gotta say it in case i don't get an 'A' and i sound like an overconfident little ------