wounds and fear

When he slapped me across the face, you looked at me with deep disappointment in your eyes and shouted, "STOP IT, YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

I looked at you in disbelief. You have taught him nothing on how to be a brother. Yet you look at me with disappointment.

You have pampered him and almost always excused him of blame. Yet i am still in the wrong.

My father was present during the whole scene, but was indifferent and merrily watched his television program.

At times like this, i am actually excited to leave for australia. I know i will miss the people whom i truly love, like a few family members and all of my friends. But lately there has been more tears brought to me by the ones whom i have conflicts with than laughter and joy brought to me by the ones whom i love.

I tried to take the recent happening as a lesson to be more appreciative of my family members, but i cannot. I simply cannot.

I always feel that when i talk about my family, i sound like an ungrateful, prepubescent teen with a lot of angst. While it may be true to a certain extent, i hope that all of you will remember that you will not know the full story and what all this shit feels like unless you have actually lived my life. There are so many things that you do not know, so many things that you will not consider, so many things that i have hidden.

I also know that i still have it better than some out there, and i will try to be grateful for that.

hfmph

I honestly admire those who truly believe, and who are able to still utter the same words, still stand firm on their ground despite the circumstances.. But please don't expect me to have just as much hope, to be just as idealistic.