a n c h o r

I've stopped wanting to sleep as much, because i hate it that i am in such a comfortable, ignorant bliss only to be woken up into all this clamor. Every day i wake up with the bags under my eyes a little heavier, a little darker, and every day i wonder how i am going to get through the day.

But i always do. Because my friends in college are the sweetest and fill my heart with joy and laughter. I love them to bits and pieces; all of them really are lovely.

But the challenge isn't to survive the day, it is to survive what happens AFTER the day. When i am home after college, when the responsibilities and burden and blame and anger and unnecessary bickering overwhelm me once again. 

Always having to be emotionally stable for two extra people is tiring, even more so when they are your emotionally retarded parents. Their bombs are susceptible to exploding anytime, and i must clean up the emotional debris that they caused. 

All the while my own bomb is growing ever so slightly as well. 

wounds and fear

When he slapped me across the face, you looked at me with deep disappointment in your eyes and shouted, "STOP IT, YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

I looked at you in disbelief. You have taught him nothing on how to be a brother. Yet you look at me with disappointment.

You have pampered him and almost always excused him of blame. Yet i am still in the wrong.

My father was present during the whole scene, but was indifferent and merrily watched his television program.

At times like this, i am actually excited to leave for australia. I know i will miss the people whom i truly love, like a few family members and all of my friends. But lately there has been more tears brought to me by the ones whom i have conflicts with than laughter and joy brought to me by the ones whom i love.

I tried to take the recent happening as a lesson to be more appreciative of my family members, but i cannot. I simply cannot.

I always feel that when i talk about my family, i sound like an ungrateful, prepubescent teen with a lot of angst. While it may be true to a certain extent, i hope that all of you will remember that you will not know the full story and what all this shit feels like unless you have actually lived my life. There are so many things that you do not know, so many things that you will not consider, so many things that i have hidden.

I also know that i still have it better than some out there, and i will try to be grateful for that.

hfmph

I honestly admire those who truly believe, and who are able to still utter the same words, still stand firm on their ground despite the circumstances.. But please don't expect me to have just as much hope, to be just as idealistic.

stupid lab report

a m b s a c e

it's been this and that, one after another
and i keep it to myself
some because it is only for me
but some because there is nobody else


all the tests...
and not the educational kind,
what do i do now?


nights over here are better,
lonelier but more peaceful
i'd rather be at home
but i shouldn't


i watched my dad fall for the first time
once,
and again the next day,
and the callous remarks that followed
...i couldn't.


honestly i'm not even tired anymore, i'm just done.

chocolates vs emails

i have to send out about 20 emails to universities,
so i switched my laptop on and told myself,
"okay, for every 5 emails i send out, i get to eat a piece of chocolate."



now i'm thinking,
"okay, once i finish all the chocolates, i better start sending out those emails."